Questions for you...
- Are you shy, or do you have a child who is shy?
- What have been some of your experiences with being shy? or What have been some of your difficulties communicating with a shy friend?
- Pick a cartoon character that most closely portrays your personality. (I picked Bashful from Snow White)
I was a very shy child. That in itself wasn't a huge issue, but it got worse when my dad died and I became extremely withdrawn with a low self esteem. I was definitely picked on cruelly in school. It's something that I don't want my children to go through. If you're not encouraged by teachers to talk and are just put down for being who you are, you begin to believe that you have nothing important to say. Those things can further hurt your self esteem.
I'm all for embracing diversity, but I think that diversity should include accepting people for who they are. That includes shy people. Being shy is not bad, it is not a disease and it is not a phobia. If it leads to a person being depressed or to have a low self esteem, I think that it's not caused by the shyness itself. It is caused by other factors including how that person is treated by others.
The thing that got me on this topic is witnessing a quiet adult that I know being passed over for many opportunities just because of the quietness. This person isn't even really terribly shy, just quieter than some people. This person is smart and thinks things through before he opens his mouth. It angers me that even being a little shy or quiet is causing him to be judged in a negative light by one or two important people. It's far worse than I can describe it, but I can't put all the details here. It makes me mad because the outward and public speaking activities of this person far outweigh the times of quietness.
This has happened to me also all of my life. Some people treat me as if I have nothing in my brain since I don't say much. I'll never forget the kid at my church who told me that he knew why I didn't have a boyfriend. It was because I had no personality! It really hurt my feelings. I guess he thought that I didn't have those either.
Well, I did find one site that is helpful concerning shyness. I didn't agree with everything, but it discusses shy celebrities. It also talks about ways to overcome some aspects of shyness so that it doesn't hold you back in your job or in other things that you want to accomplish. I feel better talking about this. I just wish that people would realize that it takes all kinds of people and personalities to make the world an interesting place.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Here is that site that I mentioned.
http://www.shakeyourshyness.com/
12 comments:
Christy, This is such a good post, I am so glad you wrote it. I'm sorry you had to be treated cruely because of shyness. I was very shy too as a child but I was just ignored, invisible. I don't know which is worse. Somehow I outgrew it for the most part, but am still totally shy in groups.
I agree with you, shyness is not necessarily a negative! Its unfair that people like your friend get overlooked. The squeaky wheel does get the grease and that is not right! Being shy is NOT a mental problem!!! Its a personality trait, not a character issue, but you are so right - its treated like one.
My son is not shy. In fact when he was younger he was so outgoing he'd speak in front of groups and I'd be dying hoping that he wouldn't call any attention to me cause I'd throw up if I had to speak in front of a group!!!
From what I see of your children in pics, it seems as though MG is not shy (kinda early to tell with MB since he's still such a young 'un).
I really like this post. Can I link here? I'll wait to hear from you.
Oh cartoon character - hmmm, Thumper from Bambi? Porky Pig? Oh I know, Lady from Lady and the Tramp :)
Hi Barbara! Thanks for your comments. Sure, I'd be glad for you to link here! :)
As you know, I am VERY far from shy, but I have married a shy person. Bob is very shy, but he really does not care about it. He has met with success in his career. I think more than being shy, you have to be confident when you have to and Bob can definitely be that. He has to give presentations and things at work and he seems to be fine with that.
If Bob sees somebody he knows, he will walk the other way to avoid them, because social interaction is not easy for him. I think being married to me (I like my father and grandmother before me, have never met a stranger) has helped him some. It is some ways has helped me also. I can be so extroverted that it can also be problematic. We temper each other.
As for my kids, Sophia is definitely not shy. I wish she would tone down a bit and that may come with time.
As far as shyness leading to depression, etc, I disagree with this like you do. I have dealt with depression for years and as I said I don't have shyness issues. I think that being so outward can cause you to feel lonely when you are by yourself and this leads to depression. I do not do well by myself. I drive Bob crazy, because I always need his help for a big project. He says I like to supervise, but really it is because I can't stand to be alone. So maybe you are better off or maybe not.
The point is that you have to be comfortable in your own skin. I think if you are shy that sometimes you might have to push yourself to do things that require social interaction and getting outside of your comfort zone. With me I have to resist tempation to talk to every single person that I meet. Being in a relationship with an introvert (Bob) and an extrovert (me) can be very demanding and we butt heads a good bit, but there are times when we are forced to do the opposite of what we are comfortable with.
I forgot about the cartoon character. I would have to say the Little Mermaid. She thinks with her heart and does not always think. She is not shy either!
I could get up in front of a hundred people and talk without a problem even at short notice and I have done so. Yet I have problems talking in small groups with people I don't know well. Just the way I am.
I think shyness is a problem and I say this as a shy person. There's a difference between being introverted and being shy. Being introverted simply means that you enjoy (and need) time to yourself. Being shy is a fear and it is a problem to the extent that it causes problems for you. Obviously, being a little bit shy is no big deal. However, if your shyness makes it difficult to do reasonable things, then there's an issue.
There is a similar problem at the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a friend who is very, very forward and "friendly," but it isn't because he's confident, but because he's insecure. It's not love that makes him friendly, but his fear of not being liked. I suspect that shyness is a personality disorder of insecure introverts whereas my friend has the same disorder as manifested in an extrovert. I don't know if there's a name for that or not, but there should be, because it's every bit as real and problematic as shyness. I'll call it "over-friendliness."
The bottom line is that there is a problem with being out of balance. Most of us of course are out of balance and the real issue is how much. If your shyness or "over-friendliness" present serious obstacles, you should take action to address that. My biggest issue is being in a situation where I know the people, but not really well. This happens at family parties a lot. I know everyone and I should be friendly, but I don't have much in common with any of them and I don't really know them. I dread family parties. It's not that big of a deal, because I just suck it up. The bigger problem is with my kids' friends' parents. They fall into that same "I know them a little bit" gray area and it's hard. I have to work on this one, because I don't want my shyness to get in the way of my kids' happiness. I've taken my daughter to birthday parties before on my own and, while I was really uncomfortable, it was good, because I'm facing my fear and not letting it affect my kids.
I think shyness had a lot to do with why things got pretty stagnant for me at work as well. My current manager pushed me to come out of my shell, build my confidence and be a key player. I really pushed myself and as a result, in the past two years, I got an unscheduled raise, a promotion and I got the largest salary adjustment of anyone on my team. I was also hand picked to work on a high profile project. Back in the days when I used to sit in the back and keep quiet at meetings, none of these things would have happened and I would be bitter about it. With my boss' encouragement though, I pushed myself to face my fears and now I'm happier, more confident and better at my job.
Being introverted is a personality trait and I doubt it could or should be changed. That would be denying who you are. Being shy is not a trait, but a behavior and it is motivated by insecurity. As I said, it is a problem to the extent that it causes problems for you, but it is not insurmountable. You can control shyness without changing who you are.
Believe it or not I was extremely shy as a child. For some reason I opened up in college. People who know me in high school cannont believe that I have a job working with the public and making presentations. I can certainly identify with mm. I am better in front of large groups! I believe that you are right, depression is linked to the social stigma associated with shyness.
I do have a question- Do y'all (sorry im in KY) think that technology such as blogs, email, texting, etc. help people who are shy to convey their real personalities? I read somewhere that it does. Just wanted your opinion.
As far as a cartoon- Sometimes spongebob, sometimes yosimite sam, sometimes eor.
Shaun
Shaun - I am not sure about technology conveying a person's personality. I believe that there are some things that can only be realized in person. A person's body language can be an intregal part to their personality. There is something special about making eye contact with a person when you are having a conversation. Those are things that would be missed over the internet, etc.
Good point Linda! There are also issues involved with people inventing an online persona that is totally different from a person's true personality. It seems to be a form of role playing for some.
In my work and personal life, I sometimes can convey my thoughts more clearly if I write them and then proofread. I am not always as good at thinking on my feet as I would like to be, and a lot of what I wanted to say is missed or I think of something better later. Perhaps I have some shyness left over from my teenage years?
Thanks for all of your insightful comments! It gives me alot to think about! When I think about my shyness, the main thing that bothers me is how it might affect my kids in a negative way. I don't think it's wrong to be shy, but it is wrong when I sometimes avoid a public situation that the kids would enjoy. Gotta work on that. Sometimes I'm too much of a homebody.
I get nervous speaking in BOTH small groups and large groups! I actually improved during college and even did well in a speech class. I started overcoming many of those fears and even had a wild & crazy friend who helped me come out of my shell. After college, I worked in several jobs that required lots of communication face to face with people.
Now my job seems to be made for me, but I think that it may have helped me to regress somewhat. I often telecommute, so I don't see my coworkers often. I assist customers one on one by phone and computer, but not face to face. I'm good at that, but I do not often involve myself in social situations & my work no longer requires that. I really have been thinking about this...your comments have been so helpful.
I know what I need to do to work on my shyness in a way that it won't short change my kids. I don't want them to miss out on things. There's one thing in the works. MG will be going to preschool two days per week & parent involvement is a big deal there. I'll get to help with her class quite a bit. I'll also have time to take MB to special storytimes at the library. Both are activities that'll get me talking to other parents.
Sorry to go on so much, but it helps me to write about this. Once again, I really appreciate all of your thoughts on this! :)
Hi Christy, I am still gearing up for my post on shyness - by the looks of your comments it seems like a popular subject that people are passionate about!
Bob's comment alone would make an interesting post! I am not sure if I agree with him (did you hear that Bob?). I'll be posting it later this week. :)
I am definately not shy. This may sound backward, but I have no issue with getting on stage or doing presentations in general, but when people want me to do something (like jump up on stage and singing for example), I suddenly don't want to. Maybe I enjoy the spontanious reaction of me doing things and not being expected to entertain.
My wife on the other hand will say pretty much anything from her chair in a meeting, but don't ask her to stand up in front of anyone. She can't do it.
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