Ups and Downs

I've been busy with fb and other things, so I haven't written here for a while. (sorry) I've felt just a little unmotivated and droopy lately, but I think that the Winter weather has had a lot to do with that. Today was beautiful and our first Spring-like day in ages, but I had to work today which kind of stunk and put me in a sour mood. I'm thankful to have a job, but I had a little Spring fever today and needed to get out and soak in some sunshine. Well, I have to be happy that Spring is almost here and that's my favorite of all seasons. My daughter's 5th birthday is coming up this week and I also register her for kindergarten. :-) I also took off from work on her birthday. Woo-hoo!

Please remind me that no matter how good it smells and how good it tastes, I really should never ever drink coffee in the evening. I love it, but look at me. I'm up at 12:42 AM, and I'm still not even a little bit sleepy! Ah, me.

I SHOP ALONE!

That's my new motto. The few times that I have taken the kids into a store lately, they have behaved so badly that I resolve to avoid taking them shopping with me again. I work several evenings during the week, so I've started doing grocery shopping after work when I'm alone. Whew, it's SO MUCH easier to do it that way. I love my kids, but I DO NOT like shopping with them.

I think that when the kids were younger and cried in the store, people would smile and say "Aw...poor little baby". The attitude changes drastically when you have a screaming 4 year old or 3 year old. I get lots of evil looks, and it's just not worth it. I've had my 4 year old throw herself down on the floor in a temper tantrum and people come running to stare. It's so weird. I don't know why my kids are so bad in the store. I'm usually pretty patient with the kids, but the store situation is too out of control for me... so they won't get that privilege with me any more. I SHOP ALONE!

Sometimes They Get Along!

I was so happy two days ago when I observed my kids playing a computer game together. MG was patiently teaching MB how to play the "Land Before Time" dinosaur game. They did this for about an hour. They've been bickering quite a bit lately, so it this was a nice break from that.

I think that it's been difficult because the cold weather is keeping us inside more. Sometimes I wonder if we should move somewhere warmer. I really don't like the cold. I do have more problems with depression in the Winter months. Maybe when the kids are a little older, we can learn how to snow shoe or something. I don't think that I want to learn to ski at this point, but snow shoeing sounds fun and like something we could do.

Another thing that's made it harder to find things to do is the money situation. We have to choose free things to do. The library programs are about the only free event that we can do around here. Maybe there's something else that I'm not thinking of.

We've got a few personal issues going on too. Crap at work. Also a close family member is having increased health problems... cancer. :0( It's a good thing that I started this post with the positive. We really did have a good Christmas, and I am grateful for my beautiful children.

Holiday Greetings!

This is the picture that I've put in all my Christmas cards this year. My two sweethearts..

Joyful Kitty

This is our cat Jasper. He brings us lots of joy. His favorite person is MG. Can you tell?If she's upset or crying, he comes running to her to snuggle and make her feel better. Yesterday, he decided to climb the fake Christmas tree. :-)

An Elf and a Reindeer

Here are my two kids getting into the Christmas spirit. :-)

Happier Christmases

A few years ago when I was visiting my family down South, I found this awful picture of my mom at Christmastime just three months after my dad died in an accident. It made me cry to see the picture because I could see the raw pain on my mom's face. She looked so lost. I never want to see that picture again.

Christmases have been a difficult time for my mom. Those were the most difficult and depressing times for her. She would go to some dark place. This affected me and I have always felt sad at Christmastime too. The magic died with my dad... that is until I had my own children to celebrate Christmas with.

Now I feel some of that magic that I felt as a young child. It's fun to see the kids so excited about Christmas. I have one of those prelit trees except one of the cats bit through a wire, so the lights no longer work. I had three strands of red lights, so I put those on and they look even prettier than the originals.

At MG's preschool, she's been learning about the birth of Jesus. They made these little clothespin dolls that they put in little mangers. MB wanted his own baby Jesus, too, so I helped him make one. MG has been going to a Christian preschool this year, so she has been learning alot of bible stories. She is so happy there.

Even though I do have happier Christmases now, there's still a struggle to fall into the old feelings. I tend to feel sad for no reason in the winter. I really truly need to actively do things to combat this. And that doesn't mean eat more! That's how I tend to deal with depression in the Winter, but I know what I really need to do. Exercise, write and do crafts. Those things make me feel better, so that's what I need to do.

This is It

I'm really going to seriously start my exercise program tomorrow morning... before I eat gobs of turkey and dressing. Some things happened recently to make me stop and realize that I have to do something to feel better about myself. I know exactly what needs to be done, too. I need to lose weight and get dental work done. I've been putting off the dental work especially because of the cost, but I've been researching some other options that are much cheaper and would work for helping me right now. Anyway, I just realize how important it is for me to feel good and have the self confidence to be the best that I can be. We just have this one life and I need to take better care of myself.

It's been a terrible day here. I can't talk about it here, but it has to do with someone I care about not getting a promotion. :-( I know these things happen, but it really hurts me and feels like it happened to me. I've been crying all day about it on and off. I'm not only hurt about the situation, but I'm aching because of how badly he is taking it. I really feel rotten. But it makes me realize that I have to do something to make our lives better and maybe starting with how I feel about myself is the best place to start. Then I'll be better able to help my family.

Twilight Zone

Do you ever have one of those days that you feel like you're losing your cool? I'm usually able to be patient and calm with my kids these days, but today it was so hard. I'm going to tell you what happened today in detail so that I can try to sort out why it was a hard day and why I feel so bad about it.

1. I woke up to a messy house and realized that I'd need to clean it up today. Then I had the idea to rearrange some of the furniture to help resolve the messy house syndrome. Well, I ended up going through all of MB's clothes and weeding out his size 3's since he can't fit into them anymore. Then I moved a big dresser into his bedroom and put all of his clothes into that.

2. Meanwhile, the kids are off in other parts of the house making messes that they normally don't make. They poured all of the clean laundry (some of it already folded) out of the laundry baskets onto the floor, blew there noses on tissues and threw the tissues on the floor, poured milk all over the table and onto the floor on purpose, threw lots of toys on the floor, dumped their dad's baseball card collection all over the floor, dumped other things on the floor...the floor had a rough day.

3. By the time I finished my rearranging of the furniture, there was all the above messes on the floor to clean up. And it was time to cook dinner. And it was time to wash dishes. I felt totally overwhelmed and stressed out and sad. I got so upset with the kids because after making the messes they took off outside and got in the car. And they weren't dressed! I had to chase them around the yard because they were in their undies and have terrible colds and it's cold outside!

The thing is, they seemed to not understand that these were not good things to do. I was so upset. Then it was time to go to work and in my anger I said that I was going to work and not coming back! Poor MG believed me and cried. Then MM came home and mentioned how messy the house was! What a day. I just can't figure it out. Was it just one of those bizarre days that comes only once in a great while that just can't be explained and I should just forget that it ever happened????? I hope so.

Living in a Place Where I Didn't Grow Up

Sometimes I feel lonely. I miss the people that I grew up with. I miss my mom and brothers and friends. I need to keep in touch with my family more, but it is difficult to make time. I wonder if I should make a blog for my family. I don't know...maybe it would be a neat thing to do & I could say hello to everybody everyday if I wanted to do it that way. :-)

That's Called Being a Mom

How can I become more energetic? I feel so tired and sometimes get mopey and lazy. I really don't like this about myself. Would exercise help? I've talked to my friends and even my doctor about feeling tired all the time and they all basically say "That's part of being a Mom". Really? Should I really be THIS tired ALL the time? And should I be up at this hour at 12:30 AM? There's part of my problem. I really should do the following and see if this will help. Go to bed by 10:30PM. Do some form of exercise each morning even if it's only 15 minutes. Those are the main things that I can think of. Seems simple enough. I've also just got over a really horrible cold that made me cough alot, so I didn't feel like exercising at all during that.

Positive Thinking=Motivation... ABSOLUTELY!

I really want to be worry free. Worrying always leads to depression in my case. Maybe worrying makes some people take action, but not with me. It makes me depressed and binds me. I just want to cut loose from worrying and let it go.... through prayer, exercise, whatever. When I'm not worried about our money situation, my hubby gets mad at me. He thinks that I'm ignoring the situation. I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to worry since worrying ALWAYS leads to me being depressed. I will not worry about this. I WILL NOT!!!!! Positive thinking is really what motivates me. I HAVE to be positive to be motivated to do something!

May Try to Get a Second Job

It's just a little beyond a thought right now. With our money issues, I am looking around for maybe a weekend evening job. There may be something temporary that would be a good fit, so that's what I've started looking for. I'm a little worried because there may be some sort of cuts at our jobs since they are tax funded, so I'm trying to think of options.

Have I talked about my kids' money saving? We reward them with spare change when they do something good or improve at something. They saved up for their swing set that we got in the Spring. Now we're saving up for our next vacation. They are set on going to the beach and it's so cute to see them so excited about it and already saving up for it.

My Warped View of Money

Today was a little depressing since my hubby, and I have been discussing money. It's my least favorite thing to talk about. There was never much of it when I was growing up, so I learned to not even think about money. Anyway, this really is an area of argument between us, because he talks about it and I get quiet. I just hate worrying about money, so I avoid thinking about it altogether. There's something worse than being poor. I know. It's hard for me to explain what I mean or how I feel about it. I hate money. It's just paper and metal that we have to use to buy things. Money sucks.

I know that my view is a little irrational since we need money to take care of our kids and to have enough food to eat and to pay our bills. I don't know how my mom took care of me and my brothers on so little and without my dad's income. We were lucky to have family around us who helped us. My grandparents didn't have much, but they always provided us with garden vegetables including canned veggies in the winter. The love and care of extended family is what helped me to survive. I'll never forget that.

The Love of a Child

"I love you." MB said those three words to me for the first time today. It melted my heart. :-) I was feeling tired, hungry and a little stressed today... so that made it all better. Isn't he sweet?

MG kept me on track with my diet today. She is such a smart little cookie. I was eating these buttery crackers and she said "Mommy, I think that's enough crackers. I'll get you a celery." She then went to the fridge, got a celery stalk and then washed it for me. MG to the rescue! She also said "Mommy, you have bloomed down a little." She's my little cheerleader.

The Secret M&M Diet

I have lost about 3 pounds so far, and this is my sixth day on the South Beach Diet. I haven't been completely strict with it. For example, I stashed a small pack of M&Ms in the cubbard. When I got a chocolate craving and couldn't take it anymore, I'd sneak a few M&Ms. I've never made a small pack of M&Ms last so long. :-) It really is a change in the way of eating for me. I've been eating much healthier and feel less hungry than other diets that I've tried. This one seems to be good because I'm changing my eating habits rather than starving myself. 3 pounds down.. it's a start!

Jesus Sneezes

One day earlier this week my daughter said "Jesus sometimes sneezes and coughs". I said "Whaaaaat?" Then she sang the song that she had learned in preschool that day entitled "May Jesus Bless You". :-)

I'm REALLY really REALLY having a weight problem. Even though I felt that I had exercised more, my last doctor's appointment I was 5 lbs heavier than the time before. That really stinks. I have been more stressed out lately, so maybe I've been eating more or something. Too many sweets. My doctor recommended the South Beach Diet, so I'm going to check out the book from the library and see if it's something that might help me. Sigh. Gotta bloom down!

I'm now going to post on my Southern girl blog. I haven't posted their in a long time, but something came up at work about the way I pronounced a word. I've stayed away from that blog a while, but might like to start posting there again.

Blooming Down

"Mommy, you need to bloom down." That's my daughter's invented phrase for "losing weight". I think that's a sweet way to put it. :-) I guess she thinks I'm all bloomed out like a HUGE flower. I'm slowly working on getting more exercise. I don't see many results yet, but I know it's the right start. I'm feeling tired from the extra exercise. I hope that I'll get used to it and eventually feel more energized!


MG lost her first baby tooth today!!! She's only 4 and 1/2, so I wasn't expecting it so young. We noticed last week that it was loose, and it scared us at first. Then I saw the adult tooth already coming in. She was so excited tonight because the tooth fairy will visit! MG also played her first soccer game on Saturday. It was so much fun and so funny too. MG managed to kick the ball several times which was wonderful even though she was kicking it to the opposing team's goal! They were cute and had fun.

It's harder to have time to write these days. It's 1:19 AM right now, so I'd better go to sleep. I hear MB stirring. He has a cold and has been tossing and turning all night.

I Can Laugh About This Now....

I can laugh about this now, but it was scary when it happened and left me a little stressed out and tired. My work has moved to a newly renovated building that is three times bigger than the previous building. Well, they had just newly programmed the new alarm system and I was to be the first person to close the building one evening last week. This is what happened...

I closed the office and then went around the building to make sure that the crucial doors were closed. Then I went to the first floor lobby by way of the stairs and proceeded to set the alarm. It started beeping loudly and gave a message that a door was open somewhere in the building. So, I go running up and down the stairs and all through the place closing every single door in the whole place...felt like 50 doors. Then I close the door at the top of the stairwell, hurry down the stairs for the fifth time only to find the door at the bottom of the stairwell leading to the lobby locked and I can't open it! Then I run back up to the top of the stairs to find the door at the top locked and I can't open it either!!! That's when I panicked and realized that I'd left my purse and cell phone outside of the stairway beyond the locked door in the first floor lobby. For a good five minutes or maybe longer I thought that I was trapped with no way to alert anybody. It was scary. Then I gathered my senses enough to really look around and saw an emergency exit behind the stairs.

Whew! Then I was able to leave the building and fortunately had my car keys in my pocket! It all turned out OK in the end and I got home and was able to retrieve my purse, but it was such a scary thing to feel trapped like that! I even had a blister on my foot from running up and down the stairs and down the hallways so many times.

So, have you ever been stuck in an elevator or in a building? I've always been a little worried about elevators, but never thought that I'd have to be concerned about a stairwell!

Changes

My job has moved to a new location. It's mostly a good change, but I have a longer commute. This is my second day at the new place. My former office had no windows, so it was a treat to get to see the sunset this evening from our two windows. Instead of being in an industrial park, we are located at the edge of a small town with views of the countryside and farmland. Much better surroundings and more sunlight = a happier mood! :-) The only thing that spoils my mood is that it's evaluation time... my most unfavorite time of the year that I dread. Argh!!!